"Thus as they spake together the dragon appeared and came running to them, and St. Buster was upon his horse, and drew out his sword and garnished him with the sign of the cross, and rode hardily against the dragon which came towards him, and smote him with his spear and hurt him sore and threw him to the ground. And after said to the maid: Deliver to me your girdle, and bind it about the neck of the dragon and be not afeard. When she had done so the dragon followed her as it had been a meek beast and debonair."
The Legend of St. Buster
Aurea Legenda (The Golden Legend)
Jacobus de Voragine, 1275
"He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought"
I shall recount this narrative of Ultimate Peril, chivalry, and the triumph of Good over the vile forces of Evil, in the hope that there may be some amusement for the soul in it.
It came to pass, during the dark days of November, that my ancient Nemesis, the Leaf-Dragon, returned to pillage and plunder, striking Terror into the hearts of the peasantry.
Remembering the Prophesy uttered by a wart-nosed Sayer of Sooths during my last visit to Hot Bridgett's Soothsaying Emporium, I mounted my handsome white Percheron charger and set forth on a Quest.
I found the foul-breathed Leaf-Dragon in its lair, using linear programming models on a Cray Supercomputer to plot the Destruction of Medieval Western Civilization. Without hesitation, I attacked!
The vile creature was wounded but not put out of action. It retreated to its den in a remote tribal region of New Haven County, and I encamped upon the rear deck to treat my wounds.
It was time for sterner measures! I implored my human companion, Saint Attila, to give me access to the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.
And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,’O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.’ And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu—
But Saint Attila did toss ye Holy Hand Grenade toward me, and I did retrieve it.
And Saint Attila spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.’
Thus did I pull the pin!
It was then that ye Leaf-Dragon made its attack.
At last, I retrieved ye barely-visible, yellow, Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, in this case the fabled "Stealth Model" that color-blind terriers cannot see, and yea did I cause it to expode and blow the Evil Leaf-Dragon into tiny pieces!
Proud I was--but not one to rest upon my laurels, I immediately engaged St. Attila, my human lackey, in a round of Holy Hand Grenade Practice, so that I would be prepared for the sons and daughters of the Leaf-Dragon when they came to avenge its untimely demise!
Note to St. Buster: I must employ Countermeasures to defeat the Stealth Cloaking Device! This is more challenging than Quidditch.
Maybe I can learn something from my World Cup heroes. Methinks the key is to keep ye Hand Grenade aloft and visible!
Forsooth! I've got it! Observe my technique!
Now the Churlish Knave shalt not escape!
I must now adjourn to my quarters to consult with the Grand Master and take a nap!