You can imagine the years of rigorous training...
The hiring and firing of coaches...
The strict dietary rules...
The difficult decision to eschew steroid use...
The incessant practices: before dawn, late morning, early afternoon, late afternoon, and evening!
My technique was, in my view, perfect.
I had the requisite endurance.
I was a Champion!
This was my "technical" routine. Note the exquisite combination of NREM, REM, and Stage IV sleep! It was beautiful.
My Freestyle program was innovative. No one had ever seen these moves! Even the judges stood up and applauded.
Then SHE came.
She stole the judges' hearts. The audience was left breathless.
I had met my match. I was a has-been. I was doomed to finish my career performing commentaries for ESPN.
Gracie was the quintessence of youth as she stood on the podium accepting the Gold. I vow revenge. In four years, I will make my come-back!
I report one small victory.
In the Global War Against Squirrels, I have found a reliable ally!
He joined me for breakfast this morning, brandishing the entrails of one of the cursed gray rodents in his mouth.
I like him. He understands.
Let me introduce my new friend:
Rupert the Red-tailed Hawk.