The Observant Naturalist: Yet Another Species Found

Baileybossus primus

Family: Canidae

Genus: Canus

Species: lupus

Subspecies: baileybossus

Sub-subspecies: primus






Range: Temperate regions of New England. Occasionally travels to exotic places while sleeping.


Habitat: Frequents the penumbra of dinner tables and kitchen counters. Will venture outdoors when a steak is on the grill.


Diet: Especially enamored of beef and chicken in any form--raw, cooked, on-the-hoof. Sometimes in danger of dying of joy when in possession of a beef bone.


Temperament: Inversely proportional to diminutive size. Slightly more dominant than Genghis Khan. Known to stop far larger animals in their tracks simply by staring at them. Regards humans as useful servants and reciprocates with a disarming sweetness.


Markings: Large brown eyes uncharacteristically (for this breed) visible through soft bluish coat. Distinctive pink collar. Oversize canine teeth capable of reducing a mastodon to its constituent elementary particles within three nanoseconds.


Lifespan: As this species possesses goddess status, it is immortal.


Daily routine: Highly varied. Typically begins day by stealing Buster's favorite Wilson-ball and hiding it. Eats meals rapidly, often launching chunks of tuna into adjacent rooms. Frequently power-naps, awakening with manic bursts of energy: runs and barks wildly, draining other canines of all energy as they try to keep up. Torments other household residents mercilessly, subjecting them to long narratives regarding their shortcomings. When companions have been sufficiently humiliated, this specimen gently licks their ears and kisses them. Enjoys walks around neighborhood with humans, often stopping to criticize the grooming of other dogs. Retires early and dreams of ruling the Known Universe.